001 – Disclosure & Cishet men’s ownership of space

Hey everyone! Look… Who am I kidding? Talking about “everyone”. When this goes live, it’s gonna be about 20 of y’all listening. Maybe! I guess my closest… and nicest… and most patient friends. I love y’all!

It feels so awkward talking to this mic, but we’re gonna get through this cos we have things to discuss. And the awkwardness, the shyness, all that shit is just consuming precious energy. So…

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Introduction

I wanted to start this podcast with a topic that is constantly being brought up as a way for internet transphobes to congregate and commiserate about the vicious threat of trans women tricking them… I’m talking about disclosure.

If you know me or if you’ve heard me talk about disclosure on some other platform, you know what I think. “Debates” about disclosure are just discussions about how much trans women deserve to die and / or be harmed. When you listen long enough, you find out that disclosure is just the starting point / the foundation to an argument that only seeks to justify some harm that has befallen a specific trans woman. Transphobic story du jour type of thing.

And I’m talking about trans women in particular because the social consequences are not exactly the same for trans men; and I would much prefer to have a person with more expertise on this specific situation come in so we can have that other conversation at a later time.

Going back to disclosure and trans women, I don’t remember one single conversation where talking about this topic didn’t lead into theories about the duplicitous nature of trans women and how we are inherently dangerous for men and their perception of themselves when we are not identifiable and we basically deserve anything that may come our way for playing a part in making men question themselves.

What we’re touching on today

There’s a lot to say about disclosure but today I really wanna focus on disclosure in the context of romantic and sexual pursuit. It may actually be the most impactful context for everybody involved. And, you know, Valentine’s day is coming so let’s talk about boys.

First, we have to take a quick step back and talk about what it means for a trans person to disclose: what that looks like, the potential impact but also how and if it’s even possible.

Then we have to look at cishet men’s entitlement and their perceived ownership of space.

All of that sounds a little heavy but I promise it’s not gonna be that heavy or that long.

Disclosing

Let’s be very clear and straightforward: trans people don’t owe you anything. Right? We don’t owe you shit. You’re not entitled to receive private information about us. You’re not entitled to know our personal stories. You’re not entitled to be privy to our medical history, just because you have shown interest in us. None of this is owed to you.

Now, if we’re starting to get intimate and physical, my personal stance is that transness should be discussed. That’s not a rule. That’s just me. I just think it’s wiser in terms of safety and it’s also a way of starting a relationship without secrets that may be considered heavy by the other party. Again, that’s not a rule but I’m aware that we live in a transphobic world and that’s how I choose to deal with that knowledge in order to protect myself.

I know that in the context of these discussions, cis people tend to limit their thinking to their personal comfort. It’s like they believe that the people around them are not full people with complex lives and identities and a need for comfort. As if we were just extras in the story of their lives. Booboo, I need comfort too, though.

Living in a transphobic environment requires extra labor on my part. It requires that I remain alert at all times (aka I can never be too comfortable). That pressure is extremely burdensome. Because it’s not just about keeping a secret, like a highschool girl. It’s about staying safe and protecting my ability to thrive. Depending on the context, a trans person may lose their job (if they live in a place where discrimination laws do not cover transness IF discrimination laws exist at all). They may lose opportunities for business (which would affect their livelihood). They may lose opportunities to rise in their career. They may lose access to services that they need. And, of course, as you well know, they may be met with violence or their own end.

Interacting with people on a daily basis with all of that in mind is strenuous emotional labor.

So, when cis people, specifically cishet men, complain about hitting on a girl that they assumed was cis then finding out that she is trans and they get mad about it, I like to remind them that they are putting their annoyance on the same level as the person’s safety and very existence. The potential social and material consequences are not the same.

The moment a trans person decides to disclose, they have to think about all of that. They have to make sure that they are protected on all the different levels where they are exposed and vulnerable. And what they can never have any certainty about is the other person’s reaction and the level of violence they might be faced with. So miss me with the “it’s not fair” bullshit. Because again, the social and material consequences are not the same. On one hand, you’re annoyed that you will not get to sleep with this pretty girl you were attracted to because after all she does not fit your standards. On the other hand, this pretty girl may die. Do you see the imbalance?

As a woman simply existing in the world, I have no control over when a man will decide that he finds me attractive and wants to flirt with me. First of all, his attraction is none of my business. But also, what if that happens when my coworkers or business partners are around? What if that happens when I am standing in line, at city hall trying to get food vouchers? Do I still have to disclose right there and then? That’s insane to me. I have no idea how loud you’re going to be about my business. And maybe you’re not gonna do anything to me, but the next person standing next to us may feel like they have to do something about the “trans problem”.

It’s really the self-centeredness for me (and the perception of flirting as access)!

Cishet men’s entitlement

That leads me to cishet men and their entitlement. If we step away from the trans situation for a second, and we just look at cishet men when they pursue cis women, their entitlement is still a huge part of the game.

Cis women too are concerned about their safety when they interact with and even more so when they reject cishet men. And, the bolder the man, the higher the risk. For full transparency, this is not the result of a study. This is the result of living as a woman. And what I mean by that, is men do not always take rejection well, even when it’s packaged nicely and politely. The louder the cat call, the more visible the approach, then the harder the blow to a man’s ego. And we all know that there are consequences for bruising a man’s ego. It can be a mean retort. “Well, bitch! You don’t look that good anyway. And you fat!” And it can escalate all the way to physical attack or even murder. Of course, this does not happen all the time. But it is a risk that is considered when women are approached—especially when they’re alone.

In general, men feel way too comfortable interrupting a woman’s day and entering her space for their own benefit. We have socialized men to be pursuers, which gives them that expectation of access (because how else can they pursue?). A lot of men may not word it that way, but they also do not see women as full humans. We know that too. Men have been socialized to see women as objects of desire, accessories of pleasure, tools to build legacy. That’s a whole other story, but the bottom line in the context of this conversation is that access to women is normal to them. Because women are here to serve a purpose for them. Think about “Hey, you should smile more. You’re too pretty to be this mad.” And all the other nonsense, you hear about submission and stuff on the Internet.

It’s like their very interest in a woman or their desire to have sex with her is enough for them to be granted access to her time and her personal space. Suddenly, they are owed a smile or whatever makes that interaction easier for them. Something of a relationship starts the moment a man has expressed interest. You don’t need to consent. You don’t even need to respond. You’re already a part of that onset of a relationship. That is so messed up!

Now, take that. Add to it men’s deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep investment in their performance of masculinity, plus the trans factor and you have a potential bomb.

I hear a lot of people who say that it is absolutely important to disclose right away out of “respect” for the men but also because it is somehow safer. That is bullshit. Because again we owe nothing to the men who decide that our personal space should be accessible to them. And there is no safety when a man’s ego is not appeased. Peace simply cannot exist in a space where a man’s ego has been hurt. These two things cannot coexist.

Here’s an example. I don’t like to talk about victims of violence, because I like to remember them first as people and not as what happened to them. But this example is very powerful. You may remember the story of Islan Nettles in New York a few years ago. Disclosure happened immediately. Yet, murder still ensued. Because the disclosure itself was not the most important part. The timing of it was not the issue either. It was the embarrassment and the blow to the ego.

James Dixon, the murderer, was embarrassed that he had found a trans woman attractive. Somehow that put a question mark on his sexuality and his masculinity. And that question mark was visible not only to him but also to his boys, who made fun of him. He was hurt in his masculinity. His ego could not take it. He had to reclaim his masculinity through violence and murder. And he did that in a horrific way.

Trans. Women cannot be held responsible for the way you feel about your masculinity. Trans women are not responsible for that fragility. Trans. Women are not responsible for cuddling, your male ego. Trans women are just as entitled as you to exist in public space. And we do not have to wear a sign or be visible in a certain type of way to appease you.

Where do we stand?

With all of that in mind, I do not think it’s always possible or even desirable to disclose. Taking the male-centered approach may not even lead to said man’s comfort. And again the consequences, y’all… Those consequences.

When I was much younger, like at the very beginning of my transition, I enjoyed being on dating websites, chatting with guys for a bit and letting them know I was trans after a few days. I even went on a couple dates in person and told the guys about my T when I got home. I recognize those dates were a bad idea, but the validation felt worth it at the time. I was 20. Most girls (cis and trans) do foolish things at 20.

And I get it. I understand that we are fighting for a world where we, as trans people, get to be full versions of ourselves with no negative consequences. We know that we deserve peace, and the same right to make stupid decisions as everybody else. The reality is that we are not there yet.

Hanging on to this very private information about ourselves for whatever amount of time should not be considered worthy of a death penalty or a beat down. If you want us to disclose so bad, make it safe for us to do so.

If you are a cisgender woman, realize that masculinity is fragile enough. You don’t need to be sewing doubts in the minds of men by telling them it’s gay if they like a trans woman… and all that other stupid shit.

If you are a cisgender heterosexual man, stop for a second and think about your own relationship to your masculinity. Because I have to say this… I have never run into an issue with a man who was comfortable with who he was as a man and who knew with certainty what his sexuality was. It was always the ones who turned to their boys for clues on what they should do next to be considered manly; and let’s be real… also the ones who were curious, or unsure about where they stood in their sexuality. Men who don’t do the internal work to sit comfortably with themselves are not safe to be around anyway, even less so for us trans women.

Wrapping up

I’m going to stop here because I don’t want to be talking forever. But before we part ways, let me know your thoughts. Come to Twitter and Instagram and tell me what you think. I’m @FTNPod everywhere. All the links are below.

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